Sunday, September 23, 2012

runaway dreamer

this was what pp wrote in her farewell note to me, runaway dreamer. hahaha! how apt! she was the runaway princess and came back in early 2009. it was my turn to run away.    

after working as an internal auditor for more than 3.5 years, i decided to call it quits. it was not easy to come to this decision, weighing the pros and cons. my heart was screaming inside, wanting to leave everything and just go. i had been working continuously for the past 7 years, i guessed i had enough and seriously needed to take a pause.

i remembered on my last day of the business trip in taichung, i was wandering at 一中街 alone, trying to decide what to eat for dinner. after walking around, i went back to the same stall that my taichung colleague had previously brought me. while i was eating, a phrase suddenly came to my mind, “security is heavy”. as an internal auditor, i earned comfortably, had work-life balance, job security, great colleagues and got to travel around. what more to ask for? however, i just did not feel right. something was missing, whatever that was. i could just push myself to continue, but i might not be putting my 100% effort. i would not want to work to a point where i had to drag myself to work. this would be meaningless and i would not be happy. the feeling of leaving without a job was daunting, as i had never experienced  before, but i felt i really needed to go. 30 june 2011 marked the last day of my internal audit job. i finally ran away.

at the beginning, the feeling of not having to work was exhilarating! however, i also had to instill discipline on myself to plan the things i wanted to do. one of the items on my list was to revisit nepal. i had a great time trekking in nepal in 2008 and was still in contact with my nepalese trekking guide. the thought of going back was always in my mind and somehow, i felt that i needed to go back, as if something was there, waiting to unfold. i made the trip alone in september 2011 (entries dated 16, 23 and 24 january 2012) and stayed at my nepalese trekking guide’s home. the trip did not turn out to be what i expected, became more like a reality check, but i was glad that i made the trip. it felt like i went back to collect pieces of me which i left behind and complete with myself of what i always wanted to do.

while waiting for my nepal trip to start, i went for a weekend trip to batam with my basic leadership programme sub group mates and a short trip to bali with silvia and tracie. further, i took a personal development programme, pathways to consciousness (poc) at executive coach international (eci), hoping to find some answers within myself in this transiting stage. there was a process in the programme where i saw an image of a black veil being lifted off from my heart. i used to have images of darkness and i thought that this new image signified that my heart need not live in darkness anymore! she could finally be alive and embrace light! this was my biggest takeaway from the programme!

another thing which i did was trying out different jobs. i found a 2 weeks temporary assignment working as a personal assistant in an investment firm. this was something new and i thought i did the job well as the boss requested me to go back again after i came back from nepal. in october 2011, i got in touch with an old friend who was working for an events company and helped him out with a couple of ad hoc assignments (entries dated 23 november 2011 and 2 february 2012). in december 2011, i managed to work in the k bookstore that i always wanted (entry dated 15 january 2012).  

in between, i revived my blog and started writing again. i could see a change in my entries, definitely more positive! i had my dose of youtube videos of my favourite mayday, watching their variety shows, interviews and concerts, catching up whatever i had missed when busy working in the past years. their passion for music, stories of pursuing their music dream together courageously and brotherhood among the 5 of them were inspiring. these just made me like them more and more. the only music i listen now are their songs. every time i listen, their songs never fail to touch and keep me going.

i ran my 2nd full marathon with yeo yeo (entry dated 7 january 2012) which i did not quite prepare for. i was more driven by the thought of completing something which i set out than anything.

before i knew it, half a year went past. i went for my trips, did a few things here and there, but i was no where in finding out what i wanted to do in future. the uncertainties, fears and anxieties started to kick in. with the clock ticking and nothing concrete in mind, i started to look for internal audit jobs again, something i would qualify for. i guessed i was pressured by being out of the workforce for too long. i thought, maybe i would not find my answer during this break. however, just as i wanted to go back to be an internal auditor again, back to square one, the universe gave me a big sign and led to a series of events to where i am now.

as i looked back, i could resonate with the author of this article, “5 reasons NOT to quit your job and travel the world”, which i saw in facebook. quitting my job would not solve my problems as i never solved the root cause of my reality. i went from one lost zone to another lost zone. purpose and meaning of life would not come by running away, but by facing and making changes to my reality. then again, if i had not taken that courageous step to run away, i would not have realised this. at least, i could say i was true to myself when i made that decision. no regrets. i guessed that was part of my journey to lead me to where i needed to go from there. time to move on!


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